This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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