Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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