I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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