I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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