Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
