1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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