In the future we'll all be gay
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
