i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
