How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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