She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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