Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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