I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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