I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
