I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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