I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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