He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
operation have a gay friend backfired
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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