good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
