i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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