Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
