somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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