She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
