A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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