also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
