So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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