look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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