Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
