So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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