I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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