life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
