I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How's work?
Spinning.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
