She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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