thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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