Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
