dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
