After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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