I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
this hospital has no fireball
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
