it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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