first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
