I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
