just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
