Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
