So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If I die, sorry about rent.
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