Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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