About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
