Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
