Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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