So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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