Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
