4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i love accidental penises.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
