did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize