we have pet lesbian snakes
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
