My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I won the penis lottery.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
