Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
