there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
