Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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