just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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