maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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