I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
