Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my shit smells like andre
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
